But utilitarianism would say
you have an obligation to pull the switch.
Saving five people justifies killing one.
The one person isn't Hitler.
Or a Dracula.
Professor Walter, was the trolley
a wire-bound Birney heritage trolley
or a modern Gomaco-made streetcar?
-It doesn't matter. -Gomaco!
The point is, you should pursue
the greatest good for the greatest number of people.
For example, if I have two pairs of shoes
and someone else has none, I should give them one of mine.
I have five pairs of shoes.
Am I being selfish by not giving the other four pairs
to, like, an octopus?
Well, a strict ethical altruist would say
you should give away everything that you have.
I'm worried I'm not being a good enough person.
Well, asking those questions is what philosophy is all about.
That and justifying an open marriage
to a wife who agrees a little too readily.
Now every time you come home, the mailbox flag is up,
and you have to grade papers by the dome light in your car.
Well, that's class.
Kimmy, I need to ask you for a favor, okay?
Anything, Xan. Anything.
You are my sister, and I love you.
God! Look, I've been working at the university TV station.
CTV? My favorite show is the dining hall menu.
Does that mean you get the menu ahead of time?
When's chicken?
They're letting me produce my own show about women on campus.
Is it called She-lumbia?
Her-spectives? Gals on the Town?
Shut up. It's called Profiles.
Oof, is that set in stone?
It's kind of a big deal for a first-year, and I was hoping that you'd come on
and talk about your tragic life or whatever.
Oh, I don't know, Xan.
I wanna help, but I just started bumping that stuff down the old Google.
What if, instead, I talked about my style icons?
Hello Kitty seems innocent, but... she is.
You wanna help, come on the show.
Don't you think people would be inspired by your story?
You're, like, a symbol
that people can overcome anything.
Right.
The greatest good for the greatest number of people.
I guess I don't have a choice.
All right, Xan, I'll do it.
I'll come on Reflections.
It's called Profiles.
Until the ratings come in.
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
Why do people keep baring their teeth at me?
Oh, no, Russ,
they're just smiling.
People smile when they see something beautiful.
You'll get used to it.
Especially once we get you some new clothes.
Yeah, the doctor said I could shop at regular clothing stores now.
You know I don't care what you look like, right?
I'm just happy to have you back.
It's the two of us now.
-Because your family-- -Where? Here?
-No, no. -No, no, no, no!
Sweetie, I'm just saying we never have to see them again.
Oh, my God.
I'm in the paper.
And they didn't even pixelate my neck!
Wow.
This is gonna take some getting used to.
Don't worry. Not everything's changing.
You've still got your charities,
and now we're gonna save the world together.
Those poor people and endangered animals won't even know what hit 'em.
Us, helping the crap out of them.
Over and over.
So they can't even walk.
God, I want you.
Everybody leave!
Thanks, Sam.
Ooh, hey, hot stuff.
Lillian.
Listen...
there's something I've been wanting to ask you.
Would you like to take a trip with me?
A trip? Well, sure.
What do you wanna do?
Uh, shrooms? Lids?
Donkeytips? Ooh.
If you dissolve a Urethrex in sizzurp--
No. A trip to Europe.
I wanna take a river cruise with you and a bunch of other couples
and, like, one weird single guy that didn't quite know what he was in for.
Europe? The Kaushtuppers fled Europe
to escape the persecution of the cow owners.
Come on, you'll love it.
I booked us on a National Geographic smoked fish tour of Scandinavia.
Listen, I can't just pick up and leave like that.
Who's gonna take care of my cats?
Or my Titus?
Who is gonna watch over my valuables?
I got a baseball autographed by Bernie Goetz.
Lillian, modern technology can take care of all of that.
We're going to the gizmo store.
This past year has not been as effortless
as my nonstop elegance,
but with Russ, I feel like I am finally getting my reward.
I just wanna bend him over a chair and--
And do what?
Why are you telling me this?
Well, I have to brag to someone, and talking to Kimmy about guys--
Ugh, it's such a bummer, and she's always like,
"Is he as cute as Edward Furlong?"
And then you have to
walk her through what Edward Furlong looks like now, and then...
-Here come the waterworks. -...here come the waterworks.
Jacqueline!
Look! I found a new stomach muscle.
Show me by a chair.
Titus, Xan has a TV show--
Who's Xan?
She has her own show? I hate her.
Will you introduce me?
I told her I'd be a guest on it.
-It's called Profiles-- -Really?
Is she married to that?
It's not fair.
First Jacqueline gets a hottie with a body--
trademark me, 1994--
and now you're gonna be on TV,
and TV's in yet another golden age.
Believe me, I know.
Mr. Donnie Wahlberg gave up music superstardom
for exactly this kind of opportunity.
But Xan wants me to talk about the bunker.
It's bad enough that everyone can just look me up on the Internet,
but I don't want people to see me as some symbol.
Don't worry.
Everyone just thinks of you as Titus' busted hag.
I know I have to do this.
I just don't know how to talk about it.
Ask your friend Cyndee. She talks about the bunker all the time.
I'm Cyndee Pokorny.
"Me and the other Indiana 'blank' Women were named after this burrowing rodent."
I can't believe I'm asking Cyndee Pokorny for advice.
Last time she was here,
she ate all my plastic Barbie fruit.
It's too small to be real, Cyndee.
Kimmy? You gotta help me.
I don't like it here.
Where are you?
It's awful.
It's called... the Javits Center.
I'll be right there.
Let me tell you, sir, if I'd been kept
in a BunCo bunker,
I never would have gotten out.
That's great. Can you struggle with the door a little bit?
Uh-huh.
Cyndee.
Why didn't you tell me you were in New York?
I had no idea.
I just go where BunCo tells me,
and from the looks of this place,
I just assumed we were in Dallas... or Houston.
It's so depressing here.
There are still Hillary balloons in the ceiling.
Well, it's good to see you, but I'm kinda on the clock,
so let me do my pitch real quick.
So...
you've got her in your van.
Now what? BunCo--
Okay, how do you do that?
Talk about what happened
in front of, like, all these people?
Huh...
So I guess there's two things
I know more about than you.
Talking about bunkers and my mom's phone number.
I don't like it here.
-- Honey!
Look at my new door-opening strength.
Like it's nothing!
Who sent you a gift basket?
Actually, it's for you from Andy Cohen at... Bravó!
Oh, no.
Look, after my divorce,
I was not at my best.
I ate leftovers.
I signed up for JDate, Christian Mingle, and what turned out to be
an ISIS recruitment site,
and in a particularly low moment,
I may have sent in an audition tape for Real Housewives of New York.
The only thing that never goes out of style
is being in it.
Wait till you meet my assistant, Kimberly.
Get over here, you drunk slut.
What's the camera for?
Are we doing a Harlem Shake?
Get small, muchachos.
-- Wait, I know that show.
I did some pro bono work for a limo driver who was scalded
after one of those women threw a Skinnygirl hot toddy on his crotch.
Now Andy Cohen wants to meet with me?
I'm so embarrassed, Russ.
That's not who I am anymore.
Because of you, the woman on that tape is dead.
Boy, I wish that was the first time that had been said to a Snyder.
Now the only reality show I care about
is providing affordable dental care
to young women all over the world who busted.
Or...
saving this guy...
...from extinction.
Right, right. The Haitian toilet rat.
Oh, we're trying to use the scientific name,
Hispaniolan solenodon.
It's not easy to get people to care about this little fella
and his unquenchable thirst for human poop.
Well, if you really want to get the word out,
those Real Housewife shows are popular, right?
-What? -I know for a fact
that 2.8 million people saw my client's genitals get erased.
Well, it would raise awareness.
Certainly more than the Rat Bucket Challenge.
-That did not work. -No.
So let's just meet with this guy.
If you really think it's a good idea.
Did you buy more copies of today's Post?
Yeah, it's just...
how often does the newspaper say you went from "dud to stud"?
They also said I went from "slop job to top dog,"
"fugly to snuggly," "hot mess to great vest."
They Photoshopped a vest on me to make that one work.
It's not a great paper.
Well, now this thing wants a fingerprint.
No way. First of all,
I sanded mine off after the Lufthansa heist,
and that thumb I found--
Lillian, this thing is gonna solve all your problems.
I don't--
You can use it to feed your cats with this automatic cat feeder.
"For if you ever leave your apartment."
And you can check on your stuff with this wireless security camera.
Hey, this thing has night vision.
Maybe now I can finally catch that ghost.
Or realize it's just Titus stealing your food in a sheet.
Yeah, that's what you think.
And this is a mini 3-D printer.
TSA doesn't allow weapons on planes,
but when we get to Stockholm,
we can print a copy of that hammer
you're always carrying around with you.
It's a bus pass. It's a key. It's a hammer.
See? The modern world's not so bad.
Mm...
Everybody leave.
Thanks for meeting with us, Jacqueline.
I hope you enjoyed the gift baské.
Well, I'm certainly flattered that you liked my tape.
Your music video was long.
Imagine there's music.
Oh.
Wah, wah.
Mom, what are you doing?
You have to remember, that was months ago.
Honestly, Jacqueline, you didn't even get on our gaydar,
which is a machine we have here at Bravo...
We do.
...until we saw you in the Post with him.
Me? No.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just a wealthy lawyer who became hot while he was in a coma.
Yeah, all I really want is to have a legal marriage with this woman.
Wow-wowee-wow.
Well said, Samjamin.
Look, the only reason we're even here
is to get exposure for a very important charity.
Sure, I have a charity that pays hotels
to not recommend restaurants I love to tourists.
So important.
Well, the Hispaniolan solenodon...
...is critically endangered.
No, thank you.
Ugh, she busted!
Our shows are about beautiful things.
If you're gonna talk about a charity,
it needs to be for, like,
wicker baskets at a beach house
or the way Cate Blanchett carries herself.
Or how about tigers?
Mm.
"Rawr" comes to mind.
What do tigers have to do with saving the toilet rat?
Jacqueline, it's-- it's the halo effect.
You save the apex predator, you save the ecosystem.
But tigers don't live in Haiti.
Have you seen Life of Pi?
Tigers go on boats,
and wait, I forget, do boats go to Haiti?
Looks like we have a deal.
-All right, Cyndee-- -Oh, hang on.
You've got loose shrimp in here.
Nom, nom, nom. Take that, shrimps.
Cyndee, stop eating air shrimp.
Now everyone said "shrimp" except me.
-Shrimp! -All right, how do I do this?
How do I talk about "you know who"
"you know what-ing" me
while we were in the "you know where"?
Okay, when you meet Alex Trebek,
don't get freaked out that he has legs.
What? No, I know people have legs.
Lieutenant Dan doesn't.
Cyndee,
that is not the kind of help Kimmy needs.
The key is being able to cry on cue.
Imagine you're biting into a delicious stick of butter
and then it's just cheese.
Why?
Could you two be any less helpful?
-Wow, Chandler, Kimmy? -Not Chandler. That's uncalled for.
Look, I don't want to do Xan's show.
-Then don't. -Yeah.
But the thing is, I have to do it.
Because of the money.
No, I'm not getting paid, Cyndee.
Your reward is participating
in television's current golden age.
It's because I have an obligation to help people.
So if going on TV will do that, then I don't have a choice.
Even if it kills me.
Says who?
Uh, I don't know. Philosophy?
Kill one person to save five.
Give your extra shoes to a spider.
Donate all your organs, 'cause, yeah, you die,
but you save, like, 100 people.
I don't know how many organs a person has.
So that's philosophy?
Rude.
Yeah, if everyone donated
all their organs, then everyone would be dead,
and there'd just be, like, a pile of organs.
I must not be explaining it right.
Look, if a trolley--
-What kind of trolley? -I don't know! Just learned this morning.
Doesn't sound like you did.
Sick burn, Cyndee. I like you.
I don't know how to explain this stuff to you two.
You know what? Come to class with me tomorrow.
And to quote a poster of Bo Jackson
wearing a graduation cap I once saw,
"Feel the learn."
On the count of three, let's say what we want for dinner.
One, two, three.
Dessert spaghetti!
How does this look? After the Post story,
I really feel like people are gonna expect a vest.
What's going on here, Russ?
Do you not like it? I was gonna wear it
to the launch party for Skinnygirl baby formula this weekend.
Look, I know, for you, this is a whole new world.
-I feel like Jasmine. -Not Aladdin?
But I feel like all this attention is making you forget
what we're trying to do here.
No, yeah, the tigers. Of course.
No, the toilet rat. It's going extinct.
Who cares? I hope it does!
I'm sorry.
It's just, that weird,
unloved little creature,
that's who I used to be,
and I don't want to be reminded of it.
'Cause I'm a pretty tiger now.
Every minute of my life has been a struggle,
against animal poachers and slum lords
and my own family.
I know.
Your brothers nearly punch-buggied you to death.
After luring me into a Volkswagen dealership.
That's not fair!
Well, I'm not that kid anymore.
Hiding in the attic,
sorting my shells.
So I'm sorry if I just wanna enjoy life for once.
And you should,
but does it have to be on Real Housewives?
Why not? Come on, it'll be fun.
Oh, I gotta bring a change of clothes to the party.
The Countess is supposed to shove me into a koi pond.
I just rocked an old man's bones
all night long. Jealous?
Ugh, no.
Wait, now I'm picturing being with Artie.
He's so attentive.
Artie invited me to go to Europe with him,
and he got me a translation app on my phone
so I don't have to learn any of the dumb languages.
It's not fair. Russ is hot.
Kimmy's on TV.
Now you're going to Europe.
Artie's probably gonna propose.
Meanwhile, I've been a saint all year!
Some of the saints were flawed in real life.
Look at Francis. I don't trust a man who spends that much time with birds.
Wait, so you think this is gonna be a proposal?
Well, he's gonna have to ask my parents first.
At Greenwood Cemetery...
Oh.
...where they work.
But is that what I want?
I thought I'd never get married again after Roland died.
Was shot in the face by you, Lillian!
Well, he died, didn't he?
Do you know what this is?
It's a fox shell. Fasciolaria trapezium.
Russ, this is still inside you.
I know. Because my brothers...
No, I mean, that kid in the attic
is a big part of who you are, and I don't want to lose him.
I do.
I was in the attic because I was hiding from my family.
I know. They tormented you.
So you've always stood up for the less fortunate,
the unloved, the little guy,
and that's why your family is on their way up here right now.
What? No!
No, no!
I'm sorry, but if you're gonna remember
what it's like to be the underdog, I'm gonna have to pile some dogs on you.
You said I would never have to see them again!
-Russ. -There he is!
No, don't hit me!
What's happening?
What? Can't a father hug his son?
Ooh, I am so proud of you,
going from dud to stud like this!
We couldn't believe it when we saw your picture in Hot Beef.
It's a magazine that Flash and I use
to get pumped for workouts.
Oh, boy, this is a lot to take in.
Said the tailor.
Got a sec, Teach?
I've asked you not to call me that.
I was trying to explain utilitarianism to my friends...
Titus Andromedon, star on the rise.
Cyndee Pokorny,
BunCo booth honey.
And I really beefed it.
It's all about doing what you can to maximize the good, right?
Like, if you see someone with no shoes, you should give them yours.
Girl, no one wants your Swedish-ass shoes.
Or, if you had a pizza, you'd give it to people who were starving.
- Nope. - Right.
Even if that means you starve to death.
So if I have a story that could really help people,
I should share it, even if it hurts bad.
Well, um, my mentor, Peter Singer from Princeton University...
Real Ivy.
...would say that a truly moral person
would even give away her organs to those in need.
Of course, if everyone did that
in the real world, there'd just be this, like, pile of organs.
But no. Utilitarianism--
Is just one theory.
Next week, we're getting into Kant's categorical imperative,
which says something totally different,
and according to ethical egoism,
being selfish is the only true morality.
Philosophy is... dumb.
So I don't have to tell people about my stuff if I don't want to.
John Stuart Mill said
taking "sufficient enjoyment" in life
is actually necessary to act morally,
which is the part of it that the wife
really latched on to.
Oh, I've gotta run.
If I get fired from BunCo,
I'll have to go back to working the booth for SafetyTube.
It's just an inferior product.
One, two, three.
Damn it, Russ.
I meant to bring Lappy for you.
I swear I had him in the car a...
Well, there you are, Lappy!
Say hi to Russ!
--Go for it, big brother.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Are you actually enjoying this?
These people are the bad guys.
Our shared hatred of your family
is what brought us together in the first place.
Speaking of which, you can do better, son.
I know,
but... they're my family,
and they're being nice to me...
and I don't care why.
But they're monsters.
They sent your brother to Gitmo.
That reminds me.
The team needs a new head of PR,
and I want this face
to be the new face of the Washington Gun-Takers.
I guess I could ask Andy to be on Real Housewives of Potomac.
Good idea, son.
Think of the exposure for the team.
I know I said I didn't want them in my life,
but maybe that's because I never thought this would happen.
I mean, me... on Lappy!
That kid in the attic,
what do you think he was whispering into those shells?
Don't ruin this, Russ.
I was trying to fix you,
but this is worse than Real Housewives.
I don't wanna be a Snyder.
Oh, well, I know when I'm not wanted.
Snyders... to the blimp pad.
We should be in D.C. in 30 to 40 hours,
depending on the wind.
I thought you turning into a hottie with a body, trademark Titus,
was my reward for everything I did
while you were in the hospital,
but it's your reward.
Mine was learning that I'm smart
and strong
and I can do anything.
I cooked.
I had sex with your grandmother's ghost.
Meemaw?
You know, the Jacqueline who made that audition tape
would've loved this Russ.
But we're going in different directions.
All right, phone, you think you know everything?
Answer me this:
If me and Artie is forever,
does that mean I'm betraying the memory
of my sweet,
funky late husband Roland Peacock?
This is what I found on the web for Roland Peacock.
Wait!
How do you know Roland, you skank?
Oh, "Live at the Brown Note."
I remember that show.
--Thank you, thank you.
Now, this next sloppy jam goes out to my old lady, Lillian.
Yeah, I plan on spending the rest of my life with that freaky sister,
whether it's 100 years or she shoots me in the face tomorrow.
Either way, this song is about me dying first.
It's called "Move On, Baby,
Parentheses,
A Turkey Dinner.
Close parentheses." Here we go.
I shot him that night.
Oh...
Thank you.
Thank you, Roland.
Hey, Artie.
Artie?
Oh, no.
Hotsy-totsy Liberace. I've killed another one.
Good evening. I'm Xanthippe Voorhees.
And welcome to the first-ever episode of Profiles.
My guest tonight is a symbol of courage and hope.
So all you Xan-Heads out there,
please give a warm welcome to Kimmy Schmidt.
Thank you, Xan.
I can't believe that high school girl I once caught
trying to bury her wet sheets in the garden has a TV show.
No! Why?
Just tell us what happened to you.
No.
I'm not gonna do that, Xan.
Of course not. Oh, you bitch.
I know that sharing my story might help
some of the millions of people watching right now,
but it's still my story.
And I don't have to share it if I don't want to.
As Judge Mills Lane said,
"You have to take some fishing enjoyment."
Wow.
Whatever that was originally, we'll never know.
There are a lot of ways to help people,
and I guess I'll keep doing it one person at a time.
Starting right now.
Is that why your friend is here with a bag of wigs?
Titus, welcome to the golden age of television.
Oh.
I didn't see y'all come in.
You know, growing up in Mississippi,
you sure do meet a lot of characters.
I'll never forget the day
Miss Marilyn Monroe come to town.
Did I not bring it?
- Oh. -Hey, Lillian.
Artie's dead, Kitus.
No time to say both your names. He's dead.
What?
Can I have his stuff?
I killed another man in my bedroom.
Oh, oh, God.
Lillian, there you are.
You sure spend a lot of time in your tenants' apartment.
Is it okay with them?
You're... alive.
We don't know he's not a zombie.
Mr. Goodman, say something only an alive person would say.
Okay, uh...
you know you're in a golden age of television
when you take a show like The Americans for granted.
My God, Artie.
You didn't have a pulse.
Ah, look, I didn't want to worry you,
but I have an LVAD machine in my heart.
Like Dick Cheney had, but mine was replacing something.
Tough crowd. That was solid.
Anyway, there's a continuous flow of blood,
so there's no pulse.
So you gotta have that machine in your chest forever,
like me with that cop's bullet?
Maybe that's why I love technology.
It's keeping me alive,
and I can watch a TV show while recording two others.
But the LVAD, it's not a permanent fix.
The doctors say I could have a year, maybe two.
Or it could be a month. So...
Titus, don't make this about you.
It's too late.
I'm gonna miss you so much, Lillian's friend.
It wasn't butter.
I know.
It was cheese!
All right, now, this next one is called
"Artie's Heart Don't Work
Parentheses Twist."
No, no, no, no.
We got about eight minutes left.
-Good night, everybody! -Good night!